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used to be one of the rotten ones
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2007.09.13 14.04
so it's been awhile since i've written in this thing. everyone needs an outlet.
life as i know it has definitely been in the state of change over the past few months. it seems my credo has become, "we're all aging, but it's time to grow up." i've come to realize things about myself, in the sense of what i need out of my friendships and relationships. i put in less physical effort and more heart. i've come to realize that i naturally spend time with the ones i'm closest to. in other words, it doesn't ever feel like i have to arrange a scheduled visit or event. i'm speaking in generalities, though, because of course there are exceptions.
i'm at a new school. i'm studying to become an esthetician. most people don't know what that is.. i'm studying skincare. this includes product knowledge, skin and color analysis, facials, massage, anatomy and physiology, nutrition, waxing, microdermabrasion, and others methods of skincare. it's fascinating. i chose it because it's a therapeutic branch of cosmetology. i didn't want to pay for an education in hair, nails, and makeup. i like that this is not only a pampering practice, but a therapy method. i love my instructor and the ladies in my class. there is a definite change in my general disposition- i'm happier. i'm less easily provoked, i'm a lot more kind and confident- in the right way. this also helps me take better care of myself. if you feel good about yourself, you want to keep feeling good- consistently.
while i'm not on the quest to get into a relationship(like i ever was, ha), i am enjoying the company of a few good men. nothing serious, and definitely nothing crossing moral-physical boundaries, but forming bonds with new people. i'm not trashing those men that i have had closeness with over the years, but they've all moved on as well- i'm not saying i'm neglected and forgotten, but we're all going our own ways. it's good for us- it ultimately makes me appreciate the memories i have with them. and it's fun to get together and laugh ourselves sick over the things we have done together.
i love the woman i'm becoming.
Music: powerspace
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2007.06.28 10.46
The Everything Test There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all. Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-) | Personality | You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more idealist than cynical, more leader than follower, and more extroverted than introverted.
As for specific personality traits, you are romantic (86%), slutty (71%), adventurous (69%), musical (68%). | | | Stereotypes | | Punk Rock | 93% | | Prep | 77% | | Young Professional | 70% | | | | Life Experience | | Sex | 52% | | Substances | 41% | | Travel | 35% | | Politics
Your political views would best be described as Libertarian, whom you agree with around 59% of the time. | | Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Middle Class. You make more than 33% of those who have taken this test, and 88% less than the U.S. average.
| If your life was a movie, it would be rated R.
By the way, your hottness rank is 67%, hotter than 72% of other test takers. | TAKE THE TEST brought to you by thatsurveysite
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2006.10.31 02.15
thanks kev
I am:
generally happy
generous
great with animals and kids
extremely patient
intelligent
I have:
amazing friends
a more amazing family
too many pairs of shoes/sunglasses
great hair
permanent jiffy feet
I'm not:
able to hold a grudge
cynical
good at saying "no"
promiscuous
a big fan of alcohol that isn't beer or whiskey
I want:
lots of children
an amazing marriage
several book deals
to travel more
to never worry about money
I miss:
being loved and in love
mallori and evan
high school
having a disposable income
having hair down to my waist
I don't:
know how to stay angry
like ham
take enough
like insecure people
have enough time to do everything i want to
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2006.10.25 00.07
happy birthday to stephen fuckin' carey
okay guys today (wednesday) is stephen's 22nd birthday!
tabby and i are throwing him a surprise party at the seawalk hotel in jax beach. all are welcome! everyone should get there around 8:30, stephen should show up around 9 or 930. the party's going to be in the bar/courtyard area, so the bar will be open with cheap cheap drinks. come out and have a good time, bring whomever you want! gifts are optional. cocktail attire encouraged. even if you can't show up for the BIG SURPRISE, come out whenever you get off work or whatever. show him your love.
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2006.09.24 17.48
my voice has dropped an octave, i think.
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2006.09.13 11.58
you're much more to me than words in a notebook
i remember you laughing and leaving, slamming the door to the sound of my screaming, "don't leave just yet, i didn't mean any of what i just said. i swear by my wrists that we're better than this."
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2006.09.09 13.49
i just made the most delicious quesadilla with cheddar and meunster cheese, dark red kidney beans, and fresh spinach, and olive oil.
fuckin delish.
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2006.09.05 03.18
bone structure is important to me.
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2006.09.01 18.21
it has been in intensely sweaty two days.
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2006.08.31 21.25
it's so much easier to be nice than to be a dick all the time.
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2006.08.29 22.48
rip this apart.
what youth is about
I swing a leg over my bike,
The old yellow paint softly scraping my calf.
I pedal feebly at first,
in a lucid state, considering
the combined three hours of sleep,
Constantly being
interrupted with your kisses on my nose.
I come on stronger now, remembering
Your eyelashes scraping my cheeks,
Harder,
Harder.
The moon will hang low
And I will drive home with the heat higher than I can stand.
you are busy searching for me in other girls’ eyes.
My throat will dry and crack with the warmth.
Hotter than any of our southern summers.
The interstate has never slept so soundly at 2am.
I can only be invaded without protective companionship.
But every muscle is aching for your hands to run across it,
Pulling up nearly invisible layers of skin,
Building me beneath your fingernails.
To drink you in and become intoxicated,
The smell of you:
beer, sweat, and your mother’s hands,
Pressing your shirts into perfect rectangles.
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2006.08.27 04.44
grow your hair long. start wearing more eyeliner. eat more vegetables. drink more red wine. laugh more. talk to your parents. change your bedroom. spend your money on grown-up things like sheets and picture frames. go on dates. be friendlier. stop sitting on couches drinking cans of cheap beer. write more. throw yourself into work. love more openly. don't play games. get rid of things. box up what you can't part with. get off the computer. read a book. lay in the grass. do what you say you will. reschedule your life routine. don't make yourself sleep. don't stare at nothing. file your nails regularly.
grow your hair,
long and beautiful
watch it drape over your new pillows,
still smelling store-bought and
unwrinkled, still plump and firm.
admire the colors, gold to mahogany to ebony,
cut the ends off when they start to snarl.
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2006.08.25 22.01
a love letter
when did everything stop being so fun? when did you start taking your anger at him out on me and becoming a very sad, bitter person? i loved who you, who we, were and looking back, reading things and remembering things, i am very sad to report that skies have been stormy for almost a year now. maybe this was a long time coming, but it doesn't hurt any less. maybe it would hurt less if it was a swift clean break. i didn't want to be the one to nail any coffin, or make anything die for that matter. my life has been altered drastically, and i am not glad or grateful for anything to be over. i have no control over anything that happens to me- well, consequences, that is. maybe my foresight is faulty. i care too much about the wrong aspects of things, and can be arguably accused of ignoring important ones. i guess the hardest thing about life is having to accept that you can't control other people's reactions/perceptions to and of you. you can be your wonderful self with all of your might, and there's always going to be something that you say or do or are that someones doesn't like, whether you meant it that way or not. it's just when it's someone who knows you better than that that it hurts so much. you want to scream at them and say, "UNDERSTAND ME!!! I KNOW YOU DO, SO LOSE YOUR ANGER AND LET'S WORK THIS OUT!!!" it's hard to be with someone who deals with things in the polar opposite of yourself and won't slow down to work around it. i've never wanted anything but to love and be loved, without hesitation or restraint. everyone's business is everyone else's business. that's the way love goes. life is about knowing where to draw the line. i don't know how to love someone without loving them too much or too little. maybe life is about finding someone who thinks your love is the right amount. i wonder if there are any relationships that are equal. does one always love the other too much? nothing biological is exactly symmetrical- one of our feet is bigger than the other, one leg longer, one eye lower, one breast bigger. is love the same? i really want to know. i don't think i've ever loved anyone the same amount that they loved me. or maybe it's about the physical, tangible aspects of love. maybe i seem like i love someone more because i show it more outwardly, when inside they're burning just as hot (or maybe even hotter?) as me. i know that everyone thinks too much. maybe proportions are just a matter of opinion. i don't drink enough but i smoke too much. to who? i love this person too much but not that one enough. says who? my hair is too black and my eyebrows are too brown. maybe to you. is there really such a thing as loving too much? it's said that too much of anything is bad, but love? is that line drawn when you lose yourself, and seemingly, all sense of self-respect and passion for anything other than them? i can't say i haven't been accused of this more than i have fingers, but who says they're right? while i'm open, sometimes too open, i think that i'm fairly reserved about certain things. especially in relationships, no one but those who are in them truly know what goes on, but then, those in the relationship don't see what goes on, either. where do we draw the line in listening to our best benefactors'- our friends' and family's- advice? perhaps my perception of proportions are out of whack. i can't take a grain of salt, i take a block or nothing. my life should be about balance. where do i draw the line in being loyal to myself and loyal to my friends? between what i want and what they want? and when it's the same thing, do i give up and let go or let go and keep on?
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2006.08.22 16.26
i'm just a lohve match-ine
i'm looking very caribbean in a cute dress with metallic gladiator shoes and big medallion earrings, waiting for heather michelle ables to pick me up so we can get on movin to tallaclassee for the park/shadow agency show. she needs to quit shaving her whatnot and get here! i can't decide what perfume to wear; it feels like stella mccartney kind of night though. yeah. stella! i want this purse from target, along with the navy shirtdress i ordered aeons ago. someone is smacking something in my living room and it sounds like death. my ear is crackling. i made matt buy a pair of lucky jeans and he looks fabulous in them. i'm kind of in the mood for new new forever changed cd, after hearing it on mallori's myspace. ps to see what heather and i did last night go to my myspace pictures. it's the one of us naked in a trash bag. hotties!
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2006.08.21 01.41
skin that won't hum but glows
just got home from orlando. shadow agency and park. had nothing better to do, so matt and i drove down and surprised them. great show, boys were happy to see me. during their set joe yelled at me when i was walking by the stage, and dave kept making faces at me and cracking me up. people were looking at me like whose girl is that. hahaha. park's set was really short because the show got started late, but i'll be seeing them another 2 or 3 times so it's aiight. my jaw hurts from singing...i literally have not stopped since 5pm. i realized that i underbite when i sing, and this is why i'm sore. my voice is very tired. matt and i went to this place called waitiki - which is obviously a hawaiian/carribbean theme, and they had a big kahuna burger. so of course matt and i sat there quoting pulp fiction for like an hour. i got a chicken sandwich and didn't take a single bite out of it. we were walking to the car and a homeless man asks us for some change so he can get something to eat, so i gave him my to go box and told him i hadn't touched it. his eyes got huge and he started stuttering. i guess he was really hungry. also, matt got a shrimp po boy and one of the pieces of shrimp looked like a dong:
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2006.08.07 23.39
the left side of my body is malfunctioning...
i have a congested sinus, an ear infection, a knot in my shoulderblade, a pinched nerve in my lower back, and an extremely sore calf muscle caused by THE HUGE GAPING WOUND in my heel from stepping on the broken bottom of a beer bottle outside adela's apartment yesterday.
stephen's in new york for a week, heather's in north carolina and then puerto rico, tory's going back to tallahustle, shadow agency is touring in 2 weeks. i have no friends!
thank god for pillows.
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2006.08.03 22.53
i think there is a bezoar in my throat
all of my friends are at the mae show. even my roommates aren't home.
last night was vic/kevin/casey's last night at the baymeadows tijuana flats. apparently it was our best mr.jones yet.
i've totally lost my tan. damn ear infection kept me out of the water = in the shade.
in other relevant news, i now have next week off. the entire week. so that will be devoted to making more money/seeing faces i need to/finishing making my house a home/tanning/drinking like i should have all summer.
this was the first summer i ever had to work full-time. last summer was a 3-month party!
i think next week i'll have some parties, too. dinner party.
eventually i'll have a viking party. it will be amazing.
i need to start saving for stephen and i's christmas/new year's trip to santa cruz. we're flying back with mal and evan on christmas night, spending a week there, and flying home new year's day. it will be fantastic.
nowhere has ever felt so right as santa cruz.
i should be living there now. fucking money. i hate money.
when the hell is mae gonna finish playing so i can go hang with my people.
tomorrow night we are going to get so dumb. because it's the last day of work, thus, a cause for celebration.
i hate sharing a bed with someone when i'm drunk. you have coyote ugly no matter what.
this is what college is about. bitching about work, having too many friends, being sick all the time, and drinking too much.
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2006.07.27 07.40
this is a blackout. don't let it go to waste.
went to the first yellowcard show i've been to since the beginning of high school, i think. stephen played with shadow agency, so that's why we were really there. although yellowcard does put on a good show, and it was nice to see inspection 12- especially since they opened with labels are for cans and sweet sixteen. holy 9th grade batman. apparently lp was going to have the aftrerparty but injured his hand on a knife set before the show, so we ended up hangin at joe and ian's for yet another late late night of high life and guitar hero. i own that bitch. i've moved up to medium. yessss. seven more days on the awful job, then a week of babysitting teacher kids for some ungodly amount of money. i hate working summer camp. extended was way better. the kids are definitely more well-behaved, and the days weren't so mundane because they had real school before they came to me, so there were things to talk about that they learned. plus, there aren't really any kids i'm totally in love with, other than noah, and he's just an attention fiend. i have this monstrous bruise on my thigh and i don't know where it came from. either tory or the kids, i'm sure. or maybe it was "do me" dave mcfadden? he likes to use my thigh as a tomtom sometimes. it's pretty gnarly. anyway, i have to buy yogurt raisins before work, sooooo.. yeah. we're making nests for the "dinosaur eggs"(yogurt raisins) today.
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2006.07.22 00.41
life as of late.
working all the time, somehow being tan, swimmer's ear(ouch), found out i have anxiety and have to be on crazy pills(not really, they're just light sedatives for panic attacks and the twitch in my eye), not talking to anyone but heather, tory, matt, stephen, shannon, adela and jacob, mal and evan, and nice new friends. getting my hair drastically altered tomorrow (yesssss no more gross black witch hair). joe and patrick's art show tomorrow night- i better see some lovely old faces. i'll be the one with great hair serving pigs in blankets with the cute curly-haired blond girl serving bean dip in cowboy boots(tory).
the transition of leaving things behind is tricky, but totally worth it. i don't have to think about or surround myself with anything less than fantastic- so i don't! wish i had started sooner.
some people collect dolls or coins or vintage cars. we judge. i don't think there's anything really wrong with it, because i'm fully aware of and open to pointing out/mocking my own flaws. whatever. being mean is fun.
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2006.05.05 12.59
i
am
sooooo
tired.
we went to skull kingdom last night, and then to margaritaville/citywalk. and we stayed with brad williams. and it was all insane and amazing.
now, to mold the minds of preschoolers.
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2006.04.24 09.16
my insides have declared war upon me.
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2006.04.13 12.09
it's strange to think back how many years you've been struggling with or working on something. or someone. or how long you've known them. and true friends you've known for so long that you KNOW you'll keep forever. comparing them to the newer friends and wondering, out of the new, who will last like this? looking for relevance in every song you hear, who you could put in on a cd for, or always looking for perfect songs to put on a cd for that one person. watching movies to suit your mood, to make you feel good. or better. or to commiserate. infinite feelings growing smaller and more infrequent. or maybe too frequent, which is why they feel smaller. maybe you're numb. maybe you've started to give up. maybe you gave up a long time ago and you're starting to care/feel again. small addictions feel so right. you can smoke those cigarettes as long as you quit before it's a problem. is it a problem if you're only 20 and you've got a cough? that your mouth tastes like lung butter in the morning? it's sad to plan your makeup out on which will stay the best overnight so you look like less of a hag in the morning. always waiting for that phone call, that flicker of attention. you start to prefer solitude. not necessarily enjoy, just prefer. it's easier to stay unhappy when you're the only person to listen to yourself. driving over so many bridges, daily, to jobs and people and forced, fake smiles and hugs and games and jokes. you HAVE to be the comic relief, the one with all the wits and quips. if you're funny they won't smell your grief. don't give up. grit your teeth. grin and bear it. why?
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2006.04.09 03.19
i'm not a negative or mean person, i just wholly like very few people.
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2006.04.06 16.08
nothing beats old friends.
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